Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
