The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we made out on top of his cat.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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