$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
