I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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