Just cropdusted the office
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We need to get me chipped asap
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
