He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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