in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
