I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
