I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
