jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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