When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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