I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
