i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
