I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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