weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
