you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
