phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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