is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
