it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
