You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
