i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
