it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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