Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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