An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
