Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
