there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
