im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
