my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
