You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
