Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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