OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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