I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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