WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
