she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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