I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
