From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
