he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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