Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
