i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
