i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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