i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
