She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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