Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dicks are not precious.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
