my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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