i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
