I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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