I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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