forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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