The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
