i wish my penis had a tongue
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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